Better hold on tight, because here comes the intro!
THE RESISTANCE BELIEVED THE HOLOCAUST ENDED WITH THE DESTRUCTION OF THE SKYNET CENTRAL COMMAND.
Let's hope that Skynet didn't make a backup of itself or build a spare Central Command or anything like that.
THEY WERE WRONG...
UNDER COVER OF DARKNESS AND SECREY THE LONG META-NODE UNIT TRIANGULATED ITS POSITION, THEN BEGAN THE LONG TREK TO CYBERDYNE IN THE CHEYENNE MOUNTAINS.
INFILTRATING THE BASE WAS A SIMPLE MATTER. UNOBSERVED, THE META-NODE BEGAN ITS SLOW TAKEOVER OF CYBERDYNE LABORATORIES. THE BATTLE WAS OVER BEFORE THE HUMANS EVEN KNEW THEY WERE UNDER ATTACK.
Unobserved? What, did the Meta-Node borrow somebody else's arm?
In this new timeline, papa Skynet sneaks into wee Skynet's bedroom in Cheyenne Mountain and reads it fairy-tales of how awful the humans are. The new Skynet takes control of the United States' nuclear arsenal years earlier than last time and aims the whole lot straight at Sarah Connor's nigh-indestructible mug.
Back in 2029, Connor and company were saved the resulting space-time super-shuckle as they were busy having a breakdancing competition inside the Time Displacement Device. When they turned off the boom-box and looked out the window, they were a little pissed to find that the almost-extinction-of-the-human-race which they had grown to know and love had been replaced with an absolute-extinction-of-the-human-race which was nowhere near as fun.
They moped around for a couple of hours before some bright spark realised that if they stopped using the time machine as a cup holder for a couple of minutes, they could use it to, y'know, send somebody back in time and stop the Meta-Node.
Here's the punchline. This is 1988. The Resistance missed. Everybody in Cheyenne Mountain is dead and the Meta-Node is in complete control.
Shouldn't have been using the TDD as a cup holder, guys.
With no pants?!
Of course not, don't be silly. Our amazing hero was chronoported directly into the Cyberdyne facility, into a small storage room where the very first prototype of the A.C.E. Battle Armor was waiting for him! There's one problem: without a team of Resistance doctors on hand to connect the suit to his nervous system, the super pants won't actually do anything this time. No shields, no auto-repair, no medi-comp, and no phased plasma. The hero's plan is to just wear it anyway and hope that it's better than being naked.
That's the entire plan.
I'm not here to collect the missing pieces of the suit to soup it up, or find a scientist to install the brain damage inducing neuro-link stuff for me. I'm going to be scraping tracks across the floor in a set of impossibly heavy un-powered powered armour.
The only advantage I have is that Skynet and sons won't be able to make T-800-level Terminators using 1988 technology (or so I'm told). I'd have thought that in four years they'd have come up with some workable substitutes.
No voices or animated portraits in this game. What a swizz.
With these undefinable controls I'll be lucky to get a shot off because I can't bloody strafe.
I need to use a bit more caution when opening doors.
This room appears to be some kind of underground artificial woodland. Strange, but not unheard of.
Oooh, alert music. That's pretty novel. Nice one.
This thing is fucking Herbie in couch form.
If all the Meta-Node can muster up is an army of expensive office toys, I might make it after all.
There's no V-TEC pieces on the ground level according to my magic cyber-senses, so I'm free to advance.
The map is showing... nothing at all. Nothing for miles and miles.
I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for Skynet. Four years of being stuck in Cheyenne Mountain and this is all it has to show for it. I wouldn't want to be trapped in this grim looking mess for four years.
The staircases are highlighted on the map, but... I can't believe this. The objectives aren't highlighted on the map in any way. There's not even 'you might be interested in this thing but it's probably not a V-TEC piece' markers. These levels are at least four times as big as the ones in Corridor 7!
Give me something to work with here!
And where's the ammo or health pickups? Apart from the ammo in the starting room, all I've found is one pistol clip in the ladies' of all places! I'm trying to shoot the enemies as cautiously as I can, but there's just not enough ammo. And the baddies respawn!
(AMMO "AQUIRED" as well. Jeez.)
If you want to know where it is (in case you want to play Trampage yourself) you can find #12 in the unmarked grey room down the long corridor around from the grey corridor. Just follow the signs that aren't there.
Bethesda have designed a game that nobody in their right mind would want to play. You can't distract the enemies, you can't avoid the enemies, you can't manipulate the environment, you haven't got enough ammo to shoot anything and you can barely move.
And the game itself runs like a pile of steaming steg.
Sod it. Let that Game Over sequence run!
That's so unlike Bethesda.
Next time on FPS Friday, The Terminator: Future Shock, for real. If it works. Unless the world ends first.