Super AiG's Guide to Every (old) James Bond Game Ever, Volume 5
|This is the ultra-rare alternative cover that I threw together myself just now.|
Generally the reason I play all these games is because I'm honestly curious about them and I want to know what they're like, but the SNES version of James Bond Jr and I are already acquainted. I played this game once already last year, and it'd be fair to say I didn't really enjoy it much. Also I hate it. But this is the only Bond game the Super Nintendo ever got and it'd be a shame to skip over the system entirely, so I'm playing it again. For you.
Game 12 - James Bond Jr (1992)
The junior Q wannabe goes on to explain that the stolen statue can be used to open up a long lost temple which contains golden artifacts. So I've got to get to the temple and stop SCUM from looting the place, or else they'll use the profits to fund their evil plans.
There's one thing about all this that bothers me. This kid genius has an unsolved Rubik's Cube on his shelf. Doesn't that bother him? Isn't he compelled to use his vast intellect to solve it?
I'm exaggerating, it only really takes about a second for him to punch, it's just everything in this game feels like it's taking longer than it actually is.
This level exit is actually only a couple of screens distance away from the last screenshot, which was only a few jumps from the starting point. And not counting this guy who I can't hit, there's only one enemy. Just out of curiosity, I restarted and found I could beat the entire platformer level in 14 seconds.
And two seconds in I've already wrecked my helicopter. I forgot that the trees are actually on the same layer as me, and will instantly tear my minicopter apart if I so much as brush against a single leaf. I have to admit I haven't had the best track record with helicopters in Bond games so far.
My crappy spy copter is irritatingly sluggish, and apparently built out of tinfoil and dynamite, so I really do need the extra shield hit-points to stand a chance.
Guess I should spray some of these bombs around, in the hope of hitting a couple of them, or at least taking out that truck. Fortunately I fire so many at once that aiming is optional.
SIX MINUTES OF TEDIOUS SHOOT 'EM UP ACTION LATER.
ONE MINUTE LATER.
Nope, I've just entered a cave system, packed full of walls for me to collide with. Oh, and balloons.
The boss fires out shurikens and bullets that spin around my copter until their orbit decays and they hit. Unfortunately my shield wore out a long time ago so I'm back to one-hit vulnerable. I threw every life I had against the thing, but really this fight was over before it began. And so I never saw level 3, and SCUM took over the Earth, or whatever it is they wanted to do. The end.
Actually you know what, I can't just end this at the shoot 'em up stage like last time. So I'm going to break one of my rules and put in the next password to get a sneak peak at what this game actually turns into.
(Oh, by the way, the level code was '0007'. It's like they wanted people to guess it.)
|PUNCH OUT ANNOYING TEMPLE GUARDS!||DISCOVER THAT YOU CAN'T ATTACK|
WHILE JUMPING, AT ALL!
I gotta be honest and say that from what I've played of it, this actually doesn't seem to be the worst of the Bond games so far. That honour would probably go to something like the action game version of View to a Kill, or those ZX Spectrum mini-games. Don't take that as a recommendation though.
Game 13 - James Bond Jr (1992)
Thankfully I've been spared from having to listen to more comedy briefing music this time. In fact so far this is looking way darker than the SNES game (literally), and none of the characters from the other game have shown up to say anything. It's almost like the NES game was already in development before they got hold of the James Bond Jr licence.
Anyway after a like a minute straight taking turns waiting for him to fire his, uh, exploding balls at me, then jumping out of cover for a second to shoot him back, the guy finally went down. 37 shots it took in the end, according to the ammo counter.
But it's over now, I can move on, though I'm not exactly sure where I'm meant to be going. There's two exits to this area, left and up, and I don't see any signs saying 'Missing scientist holding cells, this way'.
Whatever, I'll go up the ladder.
There's a picture of a missile next to the timer, so I'm guessing that bad things will happen if I take too long.
TWO MINUTES OF BOUNCING LATER.
Metroid style. For instance I just fell off those damn springs for the third time in a row and landed on the boss fight screen again. So much for all that full health I just got.
At least the boss didn't respawn. Actually all the enemies seem to stay dead forever in this, which probably wasn't that easy to pull off on a NES, considering its hardware limitations. You couldn't even walk backwards in games like Super Mario Bros. because they didn't have the RAM needed to store the changes made to the level.
Fortunately it's not instant death; Jimmy just loses a little health and bounces back out. +250,000 points to James Bond Jr for not having insta-kill death pits.
A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE LEFT PASSAGE.
Oh hey, a missile, almost didn't see that there. Looks like something out of a Tintin story. You know, I'm sure the briefing said I was supposed to do something about these things.
Puzzles aren't exactly my strong point, but I think I can figure this one out.
THREE MINUTES PUZZLE SOLVING, BACKTRACKING, AND WANDERING LATER.
I picked these up from an enemy I killed along the way, though it took me a while to figure out I had to hold select, then press up or down to equip them.
The enemies are pretty generous in this actually, dropping ammo, bombs, flashbangs, cheeseburgers, double cheeseburgers... One even dropped a diamond, though he dropped it in the room with the springs, and I wasn't going to go back down to the boss room to get it.
Actually, you know what, I'm not even going to wonder about it. I'm just going to ignore them and keep on walking by.
FUN FACT: Though some video games such as James Bond Jr feature maoi heads as enemies, real Easter Island moai statues actually have a complete body. The famous ones were just found buried up to the neck. Real moai also can't bounce around or shoot balls of supercharged plasma.
Oh shit, these platforms are disappearing under me! Fuck fuck, keep jumping you bastard!
I actually made it up to the top, but then jetpack guy knocked me right back down again into an acid pit, and I had to leave the room to reset the bricks and try again.
New plan: kill the jetpack guy.
Man I wish I had a map right now. With little blinky arrows leading me to the other missiles.
SOME BACKTRACKING LATER.
You know, this might actually be the best James Bond game I've played up to this point. How weird is that? The biggest problems the game has is that there's no map and it takes forever to kill anything, but beyond that it seems fairly decent. Or maybe those problems are just so incredibly annoying that they've blinded me to all the other serious flaws, who knows?
Next time, the shocking conclusion of James Bond week as Sega returns to bring about the end of the first decade of 007 games.
Read part six.
Back to part four.