This week I'm going to play through the McDonald's games. I suppose.
I left the title screen on for a bit to see if anything happened, and eventually Donald himself dived out of the door at me. Like an alien bursting out of some poor spaceman's chest.
Damn I had no idea McDonald's had so many characters. I recognize a few, like the purple thing and Hamburgler, but I don't remember ever seeing the Professor, the Captain or Mayor Cheeseburger-for-a-Head before. I guess I need to watch more adverts.
But he looks like a giant evil clown wizard, so Donald reacts like any sensible person would and runs away. And that's all the intro I get.
Damn, look at this town. And people say modern games are too brown. I can barely see that brown pick-up against the tree. Oh wow, the first level has trees. Though it's not exactly the typical platformer forest level so I'll let them off.
That guy in the hat is pacing back and forth and throwing sticks of dynamite around, and no one seems to be volunteering to stop him. Donald Land truly is a lawless and dangerous country. The only justice is a clown with bombs.
Wait, Ronald 'Donald' McDonald carries BOMBS around with him? The fuck?
That apple on the tree is actually a bomb I just threw (in the wrong direction). I can have two on screen at a time, then I have to wait for one to explode before I can throw another.
Screw him, there's no point to killing these guys anyway. The enemies just respawn again as soon as I'm a screen away from them.
1. Trees don't work like that. The brown bit goes UNDER the green bit, you can't just walk across the line where the leaves begin to obscure the trunk as if it's a ledge. I learned that first hand through many years of tree climbing.
2. What the FUCK is that? It just sprang out of a box, and now it's bouncing up and down, completely failing to be in the path of any of the bombs I've been repeatedly trying to offer it. No matter where I throw them from, they all seem to miss.
Well, I got him eventually, but it took a fair amount of my (limited) time.
But I managed to blow up the woodpecker with a single lucky shot, and now I'm through to level two.
Actually I think it gives me mini-games.
I wish McDonald's really did sell extra lives. For the same price as a cheeseburger.
Though the game's been pretty good so far at giving me enough room to react, as Donald stays on the left side of the screen. Trouble is he stays there when I'm walking left as well, meaning I can't see a damn thing when I'm backtracking.
That wooden bridge over there started to collapse the second I jumped over to it, and I was surprised to discover that I was too slow to outrun it. And then I discovered that Donald can't swim. It would have been nice if they could have found a non-lethal way to teach me that I have a run button.
I'm not sure why the game has lives and continues, as I seem to have to restart the level either way. I suppose using a continue resets my score, but... big deal, who even gave a damn about that back in 1988?
I'm a little confused why those pick-ups are encouraging me to jump on the poor guy, that doesn't get either of us anywhere.
ONE LONG WALK ALL THE WAY BACK FROM THE START LATER.
He wouldn't be so bad if that other creature hadn't turned up to cry at me some more, giving me two things to dodge.
Turns out I didn't have infinite continues, so that's game over. I only made it two levels in, but I'm not feeling any strong need to play it all again from the start, so I'm done with it. It's not actually that bad a game though to be honest.
Shameless Advertising Rating: Medium. You play as the mascot character, collect burger tokens and visit the restaurant between levels, but it's not exactly throwing the brand in your face. The only time I remember seeing the Golden Arches logo was on some of the food displayed in the shop.
Clown Rating: Less than I expected. You play AS a clown, with a clown as the villain, but he's pretty small and inoffensive. Except for that time he jumped out of the title screen at me with no warning.
You know, I'm feeling guilty about all those bad things I said about clowns. For all I know a clown is reading this right now, thinking 'wow, look at this asshole'. When I talk about hating clowns, I'm only talking about the sinister fictional ones with no feelings to be hurt. Because they're soulless monsters.
Part 1: Donald Land (NES)Part 2: M.C. Kids (NES)
Part 3: McDonaldland (Game Boy)
Part 4: Global Gladiators (Genesis/Mega Drive)
Part 5: McDonald's Treasure Land Adventure (Genesis/Mega Drive)
Part 6: Ronald in The Magical World (Game Gear)