Some time in the far, far future, a group of bloodthirsty bounty hunters lands on a distant off-world base in search of riches and glory.
After Crash 'n' Burn, Crystal Dynamics decided to throw in the whole hog and make a game both celebrating and taking the mickey out of the FMV revolution. This place is straight out of some cheap nineties sci-fi series... Hey, I just thought! You can watch along at home! (YouTube link)
In the background, one of the mercenaries starts whooping and hollering at the guys walking past.
"What... does he think he's the Crow?"
"I wish he was the Crow. Then he'd be dead already."
"WELLLL! Look who's here! Wahahahahahaha! TRASHMEN! Bloodthirsty macho mercenaries... oooooooh!"
"We prefer 'Sanitary Engineers'!"
"Y'know, I just had a checkup... and I have 20-20, so I don't think that this is... uh..."
"There better be naked ladies in this thing..."
"Lupus won't be your only problem..."
"I dunno... a friend of mine had lupus and it was a BIG problem!"
"AAAAAnd consider yourself!... Part of the family!"
Enough of Colonel Fancy's face. What kind of game IS this?
There's enemy cars everywhere, but they're not shooting me. They like to try and stick to the sides of my car like this... doesn't seem to slow me down at all.
I think I've more or less got the hang of this now. My infinite lasers shoot out in a cone in front of me and I've got mines for anything behind me.
It's a shame that this isn't anywhere near as interesting as it looks. Everything's very fast-paced; the prerendered cars jiggle up and down the landscape like nobody's business, but there's nothing to DO. If I could think of a way to hold all these buttons down at once, I could just leave this here for five minutes and come back to a won level.
This tank thing looks like it's going to pose a significant challenge. The level began with a whole load of powerups in front of my car, so I'm guessing I need to use my special weapons wisely in order to succeed. First, I'm going to test my regular lasers, but they probably won't work very well.
Aw... they're all dead. That is a shame.
"I was watching via satellite..."
"Did you tape me?"
"I caught some of your antics."
"Yeah, what about my shenanigans?"
"You take a lot of chances, trashman. Don't... take too many."
"Are you starting to care?"
"Hey! She digs us!"
Jeez... take a look at these names: Vindicator, Interceptor, Roadkill 409, Violator, Abductor, VV SECTOR. I can afford the Interceptor, but I upgraded the Vindicator with the money I had at the start. Oh what the hell, let's go nuts.
"We were special! She loved us!"
Maybe I didn't give it long enough, but I would have to say that this game is a bit cack. I think I would have had more time for it if it gave me something to do. Driving down a linear corridor makes Off-World Interceptor Extreme similar to Star Fox, but in Star Fox you've got to keep avoiding lasers, hitting targets and doing barrel rolls. In OWIE, I put the pedal to the metal and put the kettle on.
Crystal Dynamics are very good at the bad bits and very bad at the good bits. If the game was anywhere near as interesting as the cutscenes it would bring the total number of 3DO games worth owning to... *counts on fingers*... one! Don't forget you can watch all the mission briefing cutscenes on YouTube for a giggle.
Speaking of which, they were talking in that cutscene about what just happened... are there different game over screens for different levels? Let's find out!
"Is he talking about us?"
"Are we dead? ...or just short?"
I feel sorry for the Major most of all. All she wanted was someone to talk to (or rather 'at') and now I'm dead.