Kabuki: Quantum Fighter (NES)

Kabuki and quantum, two words I never thought I'd see next to each other.

This is a very bad thing, because the defense computer controls the nukes and can 'reduce the world to cinders in seconds'. They must have some bloody fast rockets on those things.

Fortunately there is a plan to stop the intrusion, and there's only one man up to the task.

But they're going to send this kid instead. Seriously, there is no way that guy is 25.

The only way to save the world country, to go INSIDE the computer and fight the invader off from inside, Tron style.

I presume they've already tried all the other options like unplugging the network cables, or turning the power off. Hopefully they didn't just immediately jump right to 'hey, maybe we can digitize a soldier's mind...'

Mission control. They've turned the lights off to save on energy bills I guess.

The digital mind transfer was an untested procedure, but the team suspected that there could be some side effects to converting the human psyche into raw data. Like their soldier materialising as a kabuki character for instance.

Well, this is the world inside the computer then? Should have seen this coming really, I mean what else is going to be inside a computer?

Oh no, wait, now we're in a weird structure of pipes and girders.

Like Rocky Rodent, Scott can use his giant red hair as a devastating weapon.

Unlike Rocky though, Scott can hang onto parts of the ceiling and swing onto high ledges. Oh wait, Rocky can do that too?

Rocky Rodent (SNES)

So that's how you get past that damn wall. Wow, now I can actually make some progress in the game!

Oh yeah, sorry. I should finish with Kabuki before I get distracted.

It's always nice to be able to climb walls. Especially when there's a dog at your heels trying to tear you apart. I find that dogs tend not to be able to climb ladders.

But then who can say what the capabilities of a dog living inside a computer are? He's not a real dog, or even a simulation of a dog. He's the dog shaped manifestation of a malevolent digital henchman. For all I know he can fly, or fire grappling hooks out of his eyes. For all I know he can fire dogs out of his eyes. Which fire grappling hooks.

Though he mostly seems to be staying on the ground for now. Just racing back and forth and occasionally firing a shuriken out of his mouth.

Okay, all I need to do is wait for the metal head with the exposed brain to fire, then immediately jump up and beat it to death with my hair before it can get the next shot off.

With two hit points left I can't really afford to screw this up.

Damn, it turns out that the metal head has some fireball firing friends. My plan is to drop down and land immediately behind the head with the sunglasses.

Hopefully I should be out of range of the one firing from off screen on the right, and I can kill shades before he can get a fireball off.

I  fucked up! I landed badly and tried to attack the closest head instead.

Crap, I've got to start from the beginning of the level? Okay forget fighting these goons, I'm going to race back to where I died without unnecessary delay.

Enemies can drop health when they die, but if I can get past them without losing any health then I won't need it.

Okay, I'll quickly take care of this guy so I can make sure I can jump up there safely.

Uh, why isn't he dead?


7 SECONDS OF JUMPING UP AND WHIPPING HAIR ATTACKS LATER.

No seriously, why the hell won't you die?

Oh, that one did it. I guess I just missed with every other shot.

Right, I'm back at the heads. This time I nailed my landing and the plan is going perfectly. As long as I take the one with the glasses out, I'll be fine. The others have limited range and won't be able to touch me.

The ceiling kills you? Well how the hell was I supposed to know that? It's not even that spiky.

Well, back to the start of the level then I guess. Again.


80 SECONDS LATER.

And now he just shoots me dead. How embarrassing.

Well there's no way I'm doing all that again.


Next game.